Chairman Mao (stablercake) wrote in ontd_startrek,
Chairman Mao
stablercake
ontd_startrek

Star Trek Recap #6 - Perry's Planet

Okay. This book was actually a supreme disappointment. I didn't realize you could fit that much boring into a 130 page book (though First Frontier is pretty boring so far and it's like 4 times longer).

REGARDLESS, I had to stretch some of the quotes in this book and many of them are pretty innocuous so it's a bit stretched in places.

So here's Perry's Planet.







So Jack C. Haldeman II is actually the older more boring brother of Joe Haldeman, author of Planet of Judgement among other Star Trek and generic Sci-Fi novels. Even this cover is sort of boring, it depicts a scene in the book.

However I do lol at Kirk's face.



AND SUCH LOVELY NAILS!

I'm reaching, here.

ON WITH THE SHOW.

So the crew have been out a longass time and need to drop off medical supplies to a planet before stopping off at a Star Base for repairs and shit. The dilithium crystals are dying.



Kirk makes a joke Scotty doesn't get and so mission one "Kirk makes an ass of himself" is accomplished.

THEN THE KLINGONS ATTACK!

No really, they do this time. By surprise they poke at the Enterprise and some dude named Korol is pissed because Kirk killed his brother Khall and everyone has a "K" name so it's sort of confusing. Kirk gets all upset because he didn't want to remember choking Khall's Klingon ass to death the incident and Korol decides to strike a blood oath against Kirk to avenge his brother's death. Then he's like "YOU WON'T KNOW WHEN. YOU WON'T KNOW HOW, BUT I'LL GITCHU CAPPUN KIRK. NOT NOW, BUT SOMETIME BWAHAHAHAHAHAA." It was one of those "...you're right there just shoot him" moments like how in Power Rangers when they take 8 years to form the megazord but the baddie could just punch the zords individually and win instead of waiting until they connect. DUMB.

So Klingons aside, Kirk discusses the strain on the crew with McCoy.

"'The ship I can't prescribe for," said Dr. McCoy, 'but for its captain I have a little medication that just might help.' He took out a bottle of five-star Dimian brandy. Aged ten years, the old way. Oak Barrels. Good stuff.
'Bones, I--'
'Fifty cc's, Jim. Taken orally. Doctor's orders.'"


...oh my.



Then McCoy has a budding crush on Dr. Kelly Davis, this book's new random non-recurring female doctor character. (THIS IS THE THIRD ONE.) I really don't know why they introduce her. She really has no reason to be in this book aside from like 2 mentions of Bones getting a chubby for her.

So the Klingons sabotage the transporter and it BLOWS UP when Dr. Davis is near it and McCoy has to glue her back together then they find a package left by the Klingons.

"Kirk Turned it over in his hands. A tape cassette, Klingon origin."



McCoy patches everyone up and they talk about the strain again. Cafard, anyone? anyone?

"Kirk leaned across the desk to McCoy's unit, thumbed the button."

It made me laugh? Stretching stretching I know.

So of COURSE when they're about to go settle down for some rest and shore leave, some dude from command decides the Enterprise should go putz around on some random planet. Kirk's like "BUT WE NEED TO TAKE A NAP GOD DAMMIT" and the dude's like "Well you're the closest." That's seriously the reasoning.

So the planet's called Perry which just makes me think of this:



Home Movies? Anyone? Anyone? Okay whatever moving on.

So the normal group is going to hit the town on Perry and they've gotta be in their Starfleet dressy uniforms and McCoy is upset because his is too tight and Kirk is like "wull I think u look right dashing" and Bones is like "stfu damn thing shrunk" and Kirk's all "mebbe ur fatter" and McCoy's like "O NO U DIDUNT" and Kirk says to loosen up and let the nurses deal with the crabby crew members.

"McCoy shot Kirk a glance that seemed to indicate that he thought the Captain was the crabbiest of all the crew members."


(SEXYPOSE. EVEN AS A QWAB.)

So they pop down and look around and everything seems...existant basically. Not much of a description. The people all have the same wardrobe of brown and everyone has a scarf to indicate their occupation. Yellow is, you guessed it, command. Well, high council, but same thing. So the planet is named after Wayne Perry, a man who brought a bunch of colonists to the planet over 300 years prior. The Enterprise kids go in and meet with the high council of Perry who is headed up by, right again, Mr. 300-year-old Wayne Perry. Well, Spock says he's a computer construct. 3-D as anyone else but no more alive than a doorknob. Perry tells them they're interested in joining the Federation and Kirk gives him a pamphlet and picks his jaw up off the floor. Then Perry tells Kirk that NO ONE ON PERRY is violent at all which is why they're so carefree and wear all the same clothes.

Then Scotty is pissed because he had to break up a fight on the ship because they've got the cafard Cabin Fever.

Then back on Perry, Mr. Perry gives the pamphlet to a dude to send it out to every citizen of Perry so they can vote whether to be part of the Federation. They apparently just vote on shit as it comes up. Also, they don't have money, they have a work-paid system where a disc holds the amount of hours they've worked and they use it as currency so basically PERRY'S A BUNCH OF COMMIES.



But Spock and McCoy are like "that's illogical, that kind of shit doesn't work duh people are too self-interested" and Perry's like "Dudes. We have peace. NO ONE resists." and McCoy and Spock try to argue with him and just fail.

So they leave Mr. Perry and McCoy is concerned about the crew.

"McCoy: 'My only concern is that if the crew doesn't get off the ship soon, they'll pop their corks.'
'Their what?' asked Spock.
'Never mind,' said McCoy, 'You wouldn't understand. Vulcans don't have corks.'"


Yes, as a matter of fact I did read that as "cocks" at first.

So then Uhura and Dr. Kelly Davis are hanging out under a tree on the planet because Kirk decided Perry was a suitable place for shore leave so the crew wouldn't go nuts. Well, they see a guy without a colored scarf half-drag a woman away over a hill so they're like "non-violent? wtf" and they don't know what to do because no one reacts so they think it's normal? Then they go have dinner at a pub with a couple kids from the council office to get some more information. The girl Ami tells them they've only had one ruler, Wayne Perry and it would be ridiculous to have more than one right?

"'Certainly illogical,' said McCoy with a wry look toward Spock.
'If that's an attempt at humor,' said Spock dryly, 'I fail to see the point of it.'
'You wouldn't,' said McCoy."


Then Kirk rolls his eyes at the lovers' quarrel and talks to the Perry kids some more. Then they hear bickering in a deep soothing voice and see Sulu arguing with a big redshirt and eventually Sulu goes in for a punch but instead just collapses like a flan in a cupboard. Kirk freaks and they get Scotty to beam them aboard.

Sulu wakes up on the ship and doesn't remember anything, not even the argument, and feels just fine. McCoy checks Sulu out and he can't find any sign of a problem but wants to do tests and Sulu says no, gets enraged, then collapses again. So Spock asks the people in the pub and they don't remember seeing an altercation and Spock deduces that it's not that they didn't see it, it's that they literally do not remember it happening. So on the ship, the collapsey fail-y disorder is spreading so people can't get mad without just falling and forgetting.

Bitches, this hippie brain disease is contagious.

Kirk goes down and demands to talk to Perry and a guy that works at the council is like "well if they weren't violent they'd be fine, duh." and Kirk's like "BUT WE HAVE TO BE ABLE TO DEFEND OURSELVES FROM VIOLENCE!" and the dude's just like "violence is D-U-M dumb."

And then

THE KLINGONS ATTACK!

Just in time, am I right? So they can't return fire on the Klingons because it's a violent act and they collapse before pushing the button. That and the dilithium crystals are failing. Hoorah. So they can't use the transporters because shields are up so they make their appt. with Wayne Perry and are like "WHAT THE HELL, GIVE US THE CURE" and there isn't one because dude thinks the disease IS the cure and is like "ugh what ev you guys are so not enlightened" and leaves.

"'I think we've been dismissed,' said Spock."


(I make really shitty gifs I'm so sorry I just wanted Spock to z-snap D: )

Then Kirk has a freak-out.

Kirk: "'...We're running out of time all over the place.'
'Easy, Jim,' said McCoy.
'For once, I agree with Dr. McCoy,' said Spock."


Hmm?



Hee.

Then it's Klingon POV and a priest tells the Klingon blood oath guy that he's a dolt. That's about it.

Then SpirkCoy look for an entrance to the underground because they've detected humanoid life below which might explain the non-scarf dudes so they go into some shop after a non-scarfed dude and they're like "WHERE IS HE?" and the shopkeep is like "who?" and they're like "THERE UNDER THAT TILE" so they pull it up and go into the underground.

Now, this might just be me, but what the fuck was that shopkeep thinking? They don't address him and assume he just doesn't care at all, which he probably doesn't, but I wanted him to be like "...heyyy what the hell dudes"

So they start snooping around and pick up Uhura's communicator signal on the tricorder and look around for her in the dingy underground. They get really near her when they run into Wayne Perry's computer contsruct guy and he's got A PHASER OH GOD Oh yeah the dudes can't even defend themselves that's so LAME. Then they argue some more about the virus being dumb because no one can defend themselves and it's unfair to make them be non-violent blahhhhh then they talk about the non-scarf people and apparently they're immune to the virus and do violent shit all the time but the people with the virus just are wired not to remember. The Perry dude thinks they're all sterile and about to die out but it's been god damn three hundred fucking years, they're sticking around.

Perry: "'That's not true.'
'It is true,' said Spock 'And furthermore, for a computer, you're highly illogical.'"


SO THERE. BURRRRRRN.

Then back up on the Enterprise, Chekov gets pissed that they're not fighting the Klingons because they can't and Scotty's like "STFU."

Scotty: "'An' what would you expect me to say, Mr. Chekov? Do you have a magic rabbit to pull out of your Rooshian hat?'"



Why yes, yes he does.

"Kirk opened his eyes and tried to focus. The first thing he saw was Spock."

AWWWWWWWWWW Creeper!Spock was watching over Kirk <3

"'Why does everyone know everything but me?' asked Kirk." POUT POUT POUT POUT
"'Because you were unconscious, Captain,' said Spock as if it were the most obvious thing in the world."
Which it was.

So Spock, Kirk, McCoy, Davis and Uhura (the ladies were there already) are all locked in a cell in the underground but they outsmart the guard who was sort of dumb as a bag of hammers anyway and they go looking for the main computer that makes the Perry computer construct which they assume is down there somewhere.

THEN SCOTTY GETS A BRILLIANT IDEA. They're like THIS CLOSE to not being able to use the shields because the crystals are dying so like the MAD SCOTSMAN he is, he BEAMS ABOARD THE KLINGON SHIP! AAA WHY? The Klingons go for him and...! They all collapse a couple feet from tackling him. None of them can get to him. He lifts his hands in a happy surrender but no one can touch him. He basically does a little jig in a ring of piled Klingons because he spread the no-violence virus to them. Well, at least now they won't be shooting on the Enterprise and they can charge the crystals enough to get home.

BRILLIANT.

So Spock and Kirk have split up from McCoy/Davis/Uhura and have gone looking for the computer while the others have made it back aboard the ship. Spock tries his hand at lock picking and it is apparently now among his many talents.

"'You constantly surprise me,' said Kirk.
'I should hope so. Shall we enter?' replied Spock."


I would just like to say "s'prize, buttsex".

They find their way into the room where the 300 year old Perry is laying on a table with unreasonably long hair and fingernails (ew) and is connected up to a computer. So he's half man half machine and in a LOT of pain.

They cut to this guy Rus who worked at the council and he's secretly an immune but has been living among the infected, hiding his ability to have a temper. The computer acts screwy so he's gonna go down and have a look.

So apparently Wayne Perry had connected himself a computer in an effort to both live forever and lord over the citizens of Perry. Spock's looking for the cure for the virus and is almost there when the computer construct pops in with the phaser. Spock scolds Perry like he's a 5-year-old and Perry's like "I'm going to hook you to my computer" and Spock's all "NU-UHHH" and Perry's like "try and stop me" and turns a gun on Kirk so Spock's like "oh right" so once again gives his safety and possibly his life for Kirk.

So. Cute.

McCoy and Davis are trying to find a cure but they're having problems with machinery so decide to go analog with the research and McCoy gets a total boner for this woman.

"'Dr. Davis, you are one fine researcher,' said McCoy.
And one fine woman, too, he thought."


Bones! You DOG! You know they do this with like every non-recurring girl doctor they bring in. I'm surprised Bones isn't having a mental breakdown because these women just never come back.

Scotty's aboard the ship, still acting Captain, waiting to get a signal from someone or some information or something something.

"For the thousandth time, he wished Mr. Spock was around."
(This isn't a lie. I couldn't find the pages, but this is like the fourth time he wished Spock was there.)



Oh God, Scotty, not you too.

So Spock's been hooked up to the computer and Kirk is like DYING because he's watching Spock on a slab seeing the life slowly drain from him as he becomes a computer and his poor heart it's just SHATTERING.

"'What have you done to him?' asked Kirk."

OHHH. Youuuu j 3j

So Perry's like "ima kill u nao" and Rus pops in and is like "RARRRGH" and tackles him...because he can and Perry's like "WTFFFFF" then the computer construct is like "YOU WHY DID YOU AUGH--" and just falls apart and phasers all the computer stuff and it goes dark and Kirk's like "My Spockie...BAWHHH" and Spock's like "sup guise" and Kirk poops and Spock's like "it's k, I'm all good. Let's go home."

So McCoy's found a cure but hasn't tested it and Spock and Kirk bicker over who will take it first and McCoy says no to Kirk because he's the captain and no to Spock because it might work differently on a Vulcan and Davis is like "FUCK you're all tards" and stabs HERSELF with the cure. To test it, Spock tells her to hit him as hard as she can.



So she does and he flinches (lol) and it proves the stuff worked.

Oh, also the Klingon Korol is like totally fired because he's an idiot.

Then they send off Dr. Davis and Kirk totally calls out McCoy's boner for her.

"'I don't detect an interest other than professional, do I, Bones?' asked Kirk.
'Come on Jim, you know me better than that,' replied McCoy.
Kirk laughed. 'You're just a dirty, old man.'
'And you're a washed-up tugboat captain.'"




I mean come on Kirk, that was kind of a low blow. What if he really dug her? Oh wait no you have to keep him in the SpirkCoy threesome, nvm.

The book ends with everyone starting fights just because they can. McCoy and Kirk have an arm-punching fight and Sulu musses Chekov's hair then they have a slapfight. Uhura laughs with Dr. Davis and Spock just stands there and says "Fascinating."

NOT KIDDING, HE SAYS "FASCINATING".

Wtf this book.

I hope this review was up to par, I didn't have much to work with. I really tried to make it funny :C

If you've missed any of the past recaps or would like to see others, they can be found here.

Tags: other misc old trekkie shit, tos
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